Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow said, "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out, "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," replied the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area?"
1. Complimentary Tutoring
2. Large Earning Potential
3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships
4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion
5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity
6. FREE body diagrams
7. Always back up their hard drives
8. Trained to do it right the first time
9. Specialized in experimentation
10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue
Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?"
"Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?"
"Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?"
"I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."
(What engineers say versus what they mean)
13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)
14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)
15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)
17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)
18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)
19. Years of development. (One finally worked)
20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)
22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)
23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)
24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)
25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for DAYS.)
(What engineers say versus what they mean)
1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)
2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)
4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)
5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)
7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)
•A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
•In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
•The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
•The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
•The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
•The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. (does that word even exist, dude?)
•Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious (probably made-up as well), meaning "containing arsenic."
•Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
•Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
•The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
•Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
•Camel's milk does not curdle.
•In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
•An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
•Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
•The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
•Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
•All porcupines float in water.
•Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
•Did you know that there are coffee flavoured PEZ?
•Cat's urine glows under a black light.
•If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
•The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
•Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
•The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
•Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
•The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
•When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
•The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
10. You know that the CD-ROM drive on your computer is not a coffee cup holder.
9. Your favourite letters are HP.
8. You don't use white-out to correct mistakes on the screen of your word processor.
7. You know that the three-finger salute means to simultaneously hold down the Ctrl, Alt and Del keys.
6. You don't actually wear a pocket protector but all your friends do.
5. You do wear a pocket protector.
4. You can't add without a calculator.
3. Your Christmas cards are on recycled computer paper.
2. Your favourite football team is the Imperial’s Football Team.
...and the number 1 top ten reason to be an electrical engineer is
1. What you don't know about electricity would shock you
•Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
•Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
•Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
•Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
•Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
•Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
•Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
•Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
•Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
•Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
•Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
•Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
•Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
•Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
•Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
•Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu – The same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stopped laughing.
The Car
There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.
Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.
The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"
•PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
•DOS - Defective Operating System
•APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
•BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
•SCSI - System Can't See It
•IBM - I Blame Microsoft
•MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
•ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
•DEC - Do Expect Cuts
•CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
•OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
•WWW - World Wide Wait
•PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
•COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language (who says ?)
•AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
•LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
•MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
•WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
•MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Them
FASCINATION WITH GADGETS
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:(1) Things that need to be fixed, and (2) Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
FASHION AND APPEARANCE
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
LOVE OF "STAR TREK"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
HONESTY
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."
FRUGALITY
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
POWERS OF CONCENTRATION
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
RISK
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
EGO
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Vic to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
•If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
•If you want an 8X CD-ROM drive for Christmas
•If Dilbert is your hero
•If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
•If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
•If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
•If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
•If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
•If you've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
•If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
•If you window shop at Radio Shack
•If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
•If you have -Dilbert- comics displayed anywhere in your work area
•If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
•If you're convinced you can build a phasor out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
•If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
•If you've modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven
•If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
•If you own -Official Star Trek- anything
•If you've ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
•If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
•If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
•If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
•If you're currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
•If you own one or more short-sleeve dress shirts
•If you've never backed-up your hard drive
•If you're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
•If you see a good design and still have to change it
•If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
•If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
•If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are
•If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
•If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
•If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
•If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use
•If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
•If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
•If you did the sound system for your senior prom
•If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone
•If you thought the real heroes of -Apollo 13- were the mission controllers
•If you think your computer looks better without the cover
•If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn't get enough sleep
•If you know what http:// stands for
•If you've ever tried to repair a £2 radio
•If your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Twinkies