Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.

A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.

A3: One. But he would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.

A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.

A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

A6: None. “According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.”

1. You can study hard and still fail.

2. You can (easily) not study and pass.

3. Multiple-choice does not mean easy.

4. There are no trains here.

5. Eight exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts.

6. You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final, and still do better than an arts student in any arts class.

7. Pi to eleven decimal places.

8. Judging by fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks.

9. Everyone is someone else's wiredo (geddit?).

10. Front-row people are weird.

11. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

12. A 95.75% can be an A.

13. An 80.1% can be an A+.

14. You can kill your neighbours with a 9-volt battery.

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1. So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Professor P. during our
fresher year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with him, then #2 cannot be true, and Hell is exothermic."

One afternoon, an engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an engineering postgraduate, who said, "Wow! That is an awesome bike, mate. Where did you get it?"

"Well, the most wicked thing happened this morning," said the first engineering student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."

"Wow," remarked his friend. "Sweet. Great move, mate! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what would be her reaction.

GIRL FROM DEPT. OF PHYSICS: "Well, honey, kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips. How do you prefer?"
The guy faints.

GIRL FROM DEPT. OF MATHEMATICS: “Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions: Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property. Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two, nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.”
The guy goes mad.

to be continued.

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex analysis shit you do in engineering maths, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software (W/P/L-Imperial ISEs know precisely what this means).
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.

1. You have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphic calculator.
4. It is sunny and 30 degrees outdoors and you are working on a computer.
5. You know how to integrate your (imaginary) girlfriend’s body and can take the derivative of your donger.
6. You often mathturbate.
7. You have a pet named after your favourite undergraduate lecturer.
8. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
9. You can translate English into Binary.
10. You are completely addicted to caffeine. (Yes, you said a trillion times that you want to quit but who’d buy that rubbish?)
11. The “fun” centre of your brain has completely deteriorated from lack of use.
12. You assume that an "80-storey skyscraper" is a "particle" in order to make the maths easier.
13. You can easily relate with more than five of these indicators.
14. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.