Ladies, when Choosing A Mate, Compare These Other Professionals To Engineers:

Here is a plug for all the Engineers out there.

DOCTORS Supposedly, all women are after a Doctor, so don’t expect your relationship to last more than 5 years. Eventually, he’ll run off with some nurse from his office, or one of his young women patients that is pretending to be sick. He’ll wait until you are stuck with a few kids to do this. This is not a problem with your Engineer husband. He had a hard enough time meeting you. It is unlikely he’ll ever meet another woman in his profession.

LAWYER Do You seriously expect an honest, trusting relationship with someone who gets paid for lying? Once again, this is not a problem with your Engineer spouse. He doesn’t have enough social skills to lie convincingly. An additional drawback to marrying a lawyer is when the divorce happens you will get nothing.

SALESMAN See honesty segment under Lawyer. Plus, he will be traveling to trade shows, etc. where he will be in the company of other equally trustworthy individuals. Don’t be surprised when you get the invitation to show up on the Ricki Lake show. The company that your Engineer husband works at will keep him in a cage, often called a cubicle, until he is ready to go home to you.

HAZARDOUS PROFESSIONS, I.E. POLICE OFFICER, FIREFIGHTER, CONSTRUCTION WORKER, ETC. Your husband, if he is not dead by some accident, will likely be crippled with a back injury, etc. just about the time you are at your sexual peak. The only hazards that your Engineer husband will face is losing his eyesight by staring at the terminal for too long. This hazard actually has some benefits. For one, he will not notice that you are getting older, since you will be a blur. He will remember you as when he first met you, because the memory will still be sharp, and you ask “Honey, were you looking at her?”, he’ll honestly be able to say that he didn’t even see her.

TEACHER The only reason he entered this profession is so that he could be surrounded by newly post-pubescent girls who idolize him. He’ll be in jail soon, and then you’ll have to look for another man.

MINISTER See Teacher and substitute the word “girls” with “boys”.

Safe, dude!

Including you, Dad.

Maybe someone should've stopped him before it was too late?




Don't he just look gorgeous here?




He just killed a cat?




Dear, oh dear.




Just don't f--king mess with them.

No Comment!

>Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine, 2. Fat, 3. Sugar, 4. Chocolate

>Your checkbook always balances

>Your dress clothes come from Sears

>Your father sat 2 inches in front of your family's first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal

>Your favorite actor is R2D2

>Your favorite character on Gilligan's Island was "The Professor"

>Your favorite James Bond character is "Q," the guy who makes the gadgets

>Your favorite place in San Francisco is the Exploratorium

>Your favorite television show is New Yankee Workshop

>Your girlfriend says the way you dress is no reflection on her

>Your idea of a "good read" is the Edmund Scientific catalog

>Your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place

>Your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies

>Your Internet bill is higher than your long distance charges

>Your IQ is a higher number than your weight

>Your kids refer to you as The Man Who Sleeps with Mommy

>Your laptop computer costs more than your car

>Your spouse sends you an email instead of calling you to dinner

>Your three-year-old son asks why the sky is blue and you try to explain atmospheric absorption theory

>Your wardrobe looks like you shop at Goodwill Industries

>Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work

>Your wife thinks your taste in ties is bizarre

>Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium

>Your wristwatch has more buttons than a telephone

>You order pizza over the Internet and pay for it through your home banking software

>You own "Official Star Trek" anything

>You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts

>You rearrange the dishwasher to maximize the packing factor

>You remember half a dozen passwords and your ten-digit Compuserve address, but you have to call your niece "kiddo"

>You rooted for HAL, the computer in 2001: A Space Odyssey

>You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires

>You see a good design and still have to change it

>You spend more time on your home computer than in your car

>You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring

>You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it

>You talk about the high resolution and picture-in-picture capability of your big screen TV while everybody is watching the Superbowl

>You talk about trellis code modulation at parties

>You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory

>You think of the gadgets in your office as "friends," but you forget to send your father a birthday card

>You think Sales and Marketing are Satan's children

>You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep

>You think your computer looks better without the cover

>You thought the contraption ET used to phone home was stupid

>You thought the real heroes of "Apollo 13" were the mission controllers

>You use a CAD package to design your son's Pine Wood Derby car

>You walk around with your hands in your two front pockets 99% of the time

>You want an 24X CD ROM for Christmas

>You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)

>You window shop at Radio Shack

>You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon

>You're in the back seat of your car, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite

>You've already calculated how much you make per second

>You've ever tried to repair a £5 radio

>You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal

>You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work

>You have ever debated who was a better captain: Kirk or Piccard

>You have ever owned a calculator with no equals key and know what RPN stands for

>You have ever purchased an electronic appliance "as-is"

>You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance

>You have ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside

>You have introduced your kids by the wrong name

>You have memorized the Discovery Channel program schedule but have seen most of the shows already

>You have modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven

>You have more friends on the Internet than in real life

>You have never backed up your hard drive

>You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married

>You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts

>You introduce your wife/husband as "mylady@home.wife/husband"

>You just don't have the heart to throw away the 100-in-1 electronics kit you got for your ninth birthday

>You know how to take the cover off your computer, and what size screwdriver to use

>You know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights

>You know the direction the water swirls when you flush

>You know what http:// stands for

>You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys

>You need a checklist to turn on the TV

>You can't fit any more colored pens in your shirt pocket

>You can't remember where you parked your car for the 3rd time this week

>You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines

>You carry a list for everything except the groceries

>You carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run

>You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel

>You disdain people who use low baud rates

>You do Darth Vader or Battlestar Gallactica impersonations by talking into a spinning fan

>You drive a gremlin with a "Beam me up Scotty" bumper sticker

>You ever burned down the gymnasium with your science fair project

>You ever forgot to get a haircut ... for 6 months

>You find yourself at the airport on your vacation studying the baggage handling equipment

>You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects

>You have "Dilbert" comics displayed anywhere in your work area

>The only jokes you receive are through e-mail

>The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions

>The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music never enters your mind

>When you go into a computer shop, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers and you butt in to correct him and spend next twenty minutes answering the customers' questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head

>You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot's phrase "electronic town hall" makes more sense than the term "information superhighway," but you don't because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts

>You are always late to meetings

>You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling

>You are aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say so out loud

>You are convinced you can build a phasor from your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment

>You are currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor

>You are next in line on death row in a French prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly so you offer to fix it

>You are still drinking Mr Pibb

>You are wine tasting and find yourself paying more attention to the cork screws than the '84 Chardonnay

>You bought your wife a new CD ROM for her birthday

>You bought your wife's valentine gift at orchard supply

>You can name at least six Star Trek episodes

>You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie

>You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting

>You can understand anything Al Gore says

>A team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception

>All your sentences begin with "what if"

>At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string

>Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma

>Dilbert is your hero

>Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room

>In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure

>On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than someone else who is reading a John Grisham novel

>People groan at the party when you pick out the music

>The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it

Reminder: Repetitions are for emphasis

You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...

A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."

1. What did the light bulb say to the generator? "I really get a charge out of you!"
2. How do you pick out a dead battery from a pile of good ones? It's got no spark!
3. A man with a hearing problem walked into a power plant for a tour. He arrived late and had to join the rest of the group already on the tour. The man was reviewing what he had just told the group. He told the group that they wouldn't move on until they answered this one question: What is the unit of power equal to one joule per second called?" The man with the hearing problem hadn't heard the question very well, so he raised his hand and asked "What?"
4. Why do transformers hum? They don't know the words.
5. What did the light bulb say to the electric generator? "You spark up my life!"
6. What did the baby light bulb say to the mommy light bulb? "I love you watts and watts!"
7. Why was the free electron so sad? It had nothing to be positive about!
8. What did Godzilla say when he ate the nuclear power plant? "Shocking!"
9. Why did the lights go out? Because they liked each other!
10. Two atoms were walking down the street one day, when one of them exclaimed, "Oh, no I've lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" the other one asked. "Yes," replied the first one, "I'm positive."

Audience cries.

A mathmatician, a physicist, and an engineer were all given a red rubber ball and told to find the volume.

The mathmatician carefully measured the diameter and evaluated a triple integral.

The physicist filled a beaker with water, put the ball in the water, and measured the total displacement.

The engineer looked up the model and serial numbers in his red-rubber-ball table.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

If you can’t fix it — document it.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

GIRL FORM ECOLOGICAL SCIENCES: “Oh, Kissing; that is an interesting phenomena that occurs in nature. This is an initiating process for sex not only found in homosapiens but also in all heterosapiens, mammals, camels, vertebrates, invertebrates and insects. Out of 1000 ants observed in a closed laboratory in Zuvinich in Yugoslavia, 90% of them seemed to involve in the process of kissing but the subsequence was very random with a probability 0.672139 that a male ant kissed a female ant. They observed the behaviour of ants and cockroaches under various conditions. That sounds like a dead exciting experiment, doesn’t it?”

The guy has a heart attack.

GIRL FROM Computer Sciences: “You want to kiss me. That is fine with me. I assume that you know the algorithm for that very well. But you have to complete the process within 56.22 seconds or else connection will be timed out. To optimize the timing let’s do parallel processing. As we have to discuss about our future and other things, let us do the process of discussion foreground and why can't you put the process of kissing background?”

The guy applies for divorce.

GIRL FROM ELECTRONICS ENGINEERING: “So you would like to kiss me. The process of kissing is an age-old communication process. The information content of the signal transmitted from one pair of lips to the other is more if the probability of the event (of kissing) is less. Hence take care. If you want a successful communication between us, you should kiss me less often. If the information is to be infinite, you should never kiss me at all!”

The guy is found hanging from fan next day.

1. In Shakespeare’s time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That’s where the phrase, “goodnight, sleep tight” came from.

2. The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet.

3. The phrase “rule of thumb” is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn’t beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

4. If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would produce enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

5. Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

6. An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.

7. Just twenty seconds worth of fuel remained when Apollo 11’s lunar module landed on the moon.

8. If you attempted to count to stars in a galaxy at a rate of one every second it would take around 3,000 years to count them all.

9. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death. (Your mum told you that when you were 5, I know)

10. Termites eat wood twice as fast when listening to heavy metal music.

11. Guinness Book Of Records holds the record for being the book most stolen from Public Libraries.

12. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

13. Apple, not caffeine, is more efficient at waking you up in the morning. (not the company, you bloody engineer, the FRUIT!!!!!!!!)

14. Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing. (This law excludes Engineers)

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. They are all too busy trying to design the perfect light bulb.

A2: Only the one with the instruction manual.

A3: One. But he would insist that the way she did it was distinctive.

A4: Three. One to hold the ladder, one to hold the light bulb, and the third to interpret the Japanese text.

A5: Five. One to design a nuclear-powered light bulb that never needs changing, one to figure out how to power the rest of the USA using that nuked light bulb, two to install it, and one to write the computer program that controls the wall switch.

A6: None. “According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.”

1. You can study hard and still fail.

2. You can (easily) not study and pass.

3. Multiple-choice does not mean easy.

4. There are no trains here.

5. Eight exams can be written in 4 days, but it hurts.

6. You can skip all the classes, study for 15 minutes before the final, and still do better than an arts student in any arts class.

7. Pi to eleven decimal places.

8. Judging by fellow students, engineers are either drunks or geeks.

9. Everyone is someone else's wiredo (geddit?).

10. Front-row people are weird.

11. Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach.

12. A 95.75% can be an A.

13. An 80.1% can be an A+.

14. You can kill your neighbours with a 9-volt battery.

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into Hell, and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1. So, if Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Professor P. during our
fresher year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with him, then #2 cannot be true, and Hell is exothermic."

One afternoon, an engineering student was riding across campus on a shiny new bike. He ran into a friend of his, also an engineering postgraduate, who said, "Wow! That is an awesome bike, mate. Where did you get it?"

"Well, the most wicked thing happened this morning," said the first engineering student. "A girl came riding up to me and got off the bike, threw off all her clothes, and said that I could have anything that I wanted."

"Wow," remarked his friend. "Sweet. Great move, mate! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"

The man below said, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to anyone."
The man below said, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

The Groom approaches the Bride and proposes to kiss her. So let us see what would be her reaction.

GIRL FROM DEPT. OF PHYSICS: "Well, honey, kissing is relative. You can kiss me with respect to me or with respect to you. First define how you are going to kiss. You can kiss me by treating me in the same reference frame as you are or treating me in a different inertial frame by producing waves of motion through your lips. How do you prefer?"
The guy faints.

GIRL FROM DEPT. OF MATHEMATICS: “Kissing is fine. You can kiss me provided you satisfy the following conditions: Necessary conditions: You should be close to me by a distance delta where delta is greater than zero and the limit for delta tends to zero and you satisfy the closure property. Sufficient conditions: You should have lips. Where the number of lips is neither more than two, nor less than two. You can also kiss by defining your hand to be me if and only if you satisfy the above conditions.”
The guy goes mad.

to be continued.

1. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
2. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
3. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
4. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex analysis shit you do in engineering maths, which you will never use.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
6. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
7. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
8. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
9. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software (W/P/L-Imperial ISEs know precisely what this means).
10. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it’s a documentary.

1. You have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
2. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
3. You've actually used every single function on your graphic calculator.
4. It is sunny and 30 degrees outdoors and you are working on a computer.
5. You know how to integrate your (imaginary) girlfriend’s body and can take the derivative of your donger.
6. You often mathturbate.
7. You have a pet named after your favourite undergraduate lecturer.
8. The Humane Society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment.
9. You can translate English into Binary.
10. You are completely addicted to caffeine. (Yes, you said a trillion times that you want to quit but who’d buy that rubbish?)
11. The “fun” centre of your brain has completely deteriorated from lack of use.
12. You assume that an "80-storey skyscraper" is a "particle" in order to make the maths easier.
13. You can easily relate with more than five of these indicators.
14. You make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.

Four engineers were sitting around one day trying to figure out who might have designed the human body.
The first fellow said, "I think it might be a Mechanical Engineer, because of joints and muscle and sense of balance." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The second fellow said, "I think it might be an Electrical Engineer, because of the nervous system and neural network." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The third fellow said, "I think it might be a Chemical Engineer, because of hormonal balances and metabolism." The other three nodded their heads and said, "Yeah, could be."
The fourth fellow snaps his fingers and shouts out, "I know, it HAD to have been a Civil engineer!" The other three ask "Why?"
"Well," replied the fourth fellow, "who else would put a waste water drainage right through a recreational area?"

1. Complimentary Tutoring

2. Large Earning Potential

3. Can handle stress and strain in relationships

4. Know all the dynamics of relative motion

5. Learn about the benefits of friction and viscosity

6. FREE body diagrams

7. Always back up their hard drives

8. Trained to do it right the first time

9. Specialized in experimentation

10. Can go all night with no hint of fatigue

Three engineers got on a crowded lunchtime bus. They somehow worked their way to the middle of the bus where they found three girls willing to exchange their seats for a place on the guys' laps.
After they got settled and had ridden that way for a while, the first girl suddenly asked the gentleman under her whether he might be an electrical engineer. Surprised, he replied, "Yes, I am! How did you know?"
"Easy," she said. "I'm getting shocked by your soldering iron."
Just a few minutes later, the second girl asked her guy, "Are you a mechanical engineer?"
He said, "Why, yes, ma'am. How did you know that?"
"Simple," she said, "Your piston is scraping my cylinder."
Shortly thereafter, the third girl turned to her fellow and asked, "Are you a civil engineer?"
"I certainly am," he answered. "How could you have known that?"
"Well," she said, "I figured it out as soon as your dam burst and flooded my village."

(What engineers say versus what they mean)

13. Give us your interpretation. (We can't wait to hear your bull.)

14. See me or let's discuss. (Come to my office, I've screwed up again.)

15. All new. (Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.)

16. Rugged. (Don't plan to lift it without major equipment.)

17. Robust! (Rugged, but more so)

18. Light weight. (Slightly lighter than rugged)

19. Years of development. (One finally worked)

20. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)

21. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix)

22. Low maintenance. (Nearly impossible to fix)

23. Fax me the data. (I'm too lazy to write it down.)

24. We are following the standard!
(That's the way we have always done it!)

25. I didn't get your e-mail. (I haven't checked my e-mail for DAYS.)

(What engineers say versus what they mean)

1. A number of different approaches are being tried.
(We are still guessing at this point.)

2. Close project coordination. (We sat down and had coffee together.)

3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach.
(We just hired three punk kids out of school.)

4. Major technological breakthrough! (It works OK, but looks very hi-tech!)

5. Customer satisfaction is believed assured.
(We are so far behind schedule, that the customer will take anything.)

6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive.
(The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.)

7. Test results were extremely gratifying! (Unbelievable, it actually worked!)

8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned.
(The only guy who understood the thing quit.)

9. It is in process.
(It is so wrapped in red tape that the situation is completely hopeless.)

10. We will look into it. (Forget it! We have enough problems already.)

11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this.)

12. Give us the benefit of your thinking.
(We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with
what we have already done or with what we are going to do.)

•A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
•In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile services (two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not re-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
•The "save" icon on Microsoft Word shows a floppy disk, with the shutter on backwards.
•The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways. The following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."
•The verb "cleave" is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.
•The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable. (does that word even exist, dude?)
•Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious (probably made-up as well), meaning "containing arsenic."
•Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian coat of arms for that reason.
•Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
•The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead".
•Pinocchio is Italian for "pine head."
•Camel's milk does not curdle.
•In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
•An animal epidemic is called an epizootic.
•Murphy's Oil Soap is the chemical most commonly used to clean elephants.
•The United States has never lost a war in which mules were used.
•Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.
•All porcupines float in water.
•Hang On Snoopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
•Did you know that there are coffee flavoured PEZ?
•Cat's urine glows under a black light.
•If you bring a raccoon's head to the Henniker, New Hampshire town hall, you are entitled to receive $.10 from the town.
•The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
•Non-dairy creamer is flammable.
•The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
•Texas is also the only state that is allowed to fly its state flag at the same height as the U.S. flag.
•The only nation whose name begins with an "A", but doesn't end in an "A" is Afghanistan.
•When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
•The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.

10. You know that the CD-ROM drive on your computer is not a coffee cup holder.
9. Your favourite letters are HP.
8. You don't use white-out to correct mistakes on the screen of your word processor.
7. You know that the three-finger salute means to simultaneously hold down the Ctrl, Alt and Del keys.
6. You don't actually wear a pocket protector but all your friends do.
5. You do wear a pocket protector.
4. You can't add without a calculator.
3. Your Christmas cards are on recycled computer paper.
2. Your favourite football team is the Imperial’s Football Team.

...and the number 1 top ten reason to be an electrical engineer is
1. What you don't know about electricity would shock you

•Real Engineers consider themselves well dressed if their socks match.
•Real Engineers buy their spouses a set of matched screwdrivers for their birthday.
•Real Engineers wear moustaches or beards for "efficiency". Not because they're lazy.
•Real engineers have a non-technical vocabulary of 800 words.
•Real Engineers think a "biting wit" is their fox terrier.
•Real Engineers know the second law of thermodynamics - but not their own shirt size.
•Real Engineers repair their own cameras, telephones, televisions, watches, and automatic transmissions.
•Real Engineers say "It's 70 degrees Fahrenheit, 25 degrees Celsius, and 298 degrees Kelvin" and all you say is "Isn't it a nice day"
•Real Engineers give you the feeling you're having a conversation with a dial tone or busy signal.
•Real Engineers wear badges so they don't forget who they are. Sometimes a note is attached saying "Don't offer me a ride today. I drove my own car".
•Real Engineers' politics run towards acquiring a parking space with their name on it and an office with a window.
•Real Engineers know the "ABC's of Infrared" from A to B.
•Real Engineers rotate their tires for laughs.
•Real Engineers will make four sets of drawings (with seven revisions) before making a bird bath.
•Real Engineers' briefcases contain a Phillips screwdriver, a copy of "Quantum Physics", and a half of a peanut butter sandwich.
•Real Engineers don't find the above at all funny.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape. Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
Dijon vu – The same mustard as before.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stopped laughing.

The Car

There were three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly, the car stops running and they pull off to the side of the road wondering what could be wrong.

The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault may have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.

The Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, came up with a suggestion. "Why don't we close all the windows, get out, get back in, and open all the windows and see if it works?"

•PCMCIA - People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
•DOS - Defective Operating System
•APPLE - Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
•BASIC - Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
•SCSI - System Can't See It
•IBM - I Blame Microsoft
•MACINTOSH - Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
•ISDN - It Still Does Nothing
•DEC - Do Expect Cuts
•CD-ROM - Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete Monthly
•OS/2 - Obsolete Soon, Too.
•WWW - World Wide Wait
•PENTIUM - Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of Math
•COBOL - Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language (who says ?)
•AMIGA - A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction
•LISP - Lots of Infuriating Silly Parenthesis
•MIPS - Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
•WINDOWS - Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
•MICROSOFT - Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Them

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:(1) Things that need to be fixed, and (2) Things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them. Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK"

Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE

Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:

* Bill Gates.
* MacGyver.
* Etcetera.

Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.

HONESTY

Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.

Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.

"I won't change anything without asking you first." "I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job." "I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY

Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK

Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.

EXAMPLES OF BAD PRESS FOR ENGINEERS

* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* SPANet(tm)
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
* Corvair.

The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.

If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.

Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Vic to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."

•If you can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
•If you want an 8X CD-ROM drive for Christmas
•If Dilbert is your hero
•If you stare at an orange juice container because it says CONCENTRATE
•If you can name 6 Star Trek episodes
•If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail
•If your wristwatch has more computing power than a 486DX-50
•If your idea of good interpersonal communication means getting the decimal point in the right place
•If you've used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
•If, at Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
•If you window shop at Radio Shack
•If your ideal evening consists of fast-forwarding through the latest sci-fi movie looking for technical inaccuracies
•If you have -Dilbert- comics displayed anywhere in your work area
•If you carry on a one-hour debate over the expected results of a test that actually takes five minutes to run
•If you're convinced you can build a phasor out of your garage door opener and your camera's flash attachment
•If you don't even know where the cover to your personal computer is
•If you've modified your can opener to be microprocessor driven
•If you know the direction the water swirls when you flush
•If you own -Official Star Trek- anything
•If you've ever taken the back off your TV just to see what's inside
•If a team of you and your co-workers have set out to modify the antenna on the radio in your work area for better reception
•If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid
•If you ever burned down the gymnasium with your Science Fair project
•If you're currently gathering the components to build your own nuclear reactor
•If you own one or more short-sleeve dress shirts
•If you've never backed-up your hard drive
•If you're aware that computers are actually only good for playing games, but are afraid to say it out loud
•If you see a good design and still have to change it
•If the salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
•If you still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
•If you own a set of itty-bitty screwdrivers, but you don't remember where they are
•If you rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires
•If you have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal
•If the microphone or visual aids at a meeting don't work and you rush up to the front to fix it
•If you know how to take the cover off of your computer, and what size screwdriver to use
•If you can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
•If people groan at the party when you pick out the music
•If you did the sound system for your senior prom
•If your wrist watch has more buttons than a telephone
•If you thought the real heroes of -Apollo 13- were the mission controllers
•If you think your computer looks better without the cover
•If you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn't get enough sleep
•If you know what http:// stands for
•If you've ever tried to repair a £2 radio
•If your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4. Twinkies